WHy Daddy Drinks

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am.

But it’s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we
will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt
anyone.We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday
I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Love,

Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that’s in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.

Can you tell the difference between a shemale and a female?

Allright this is a little bit scary but still pretty funny….as long as I NEVER EVER have to be put in the actual position of wondering. Go here:

http://joeschwartz.net/shemale/index.html

Where do you work?

Cell Phone Text translations

Okay so I dont know about you but I do a lot of texting. Cause who really wants to talk on the phone. To me, unless its an emergency, and even then, anything that you need to say can be taken care of through text. However, when I text my girlfriend I often find mysel writing texts that sound pretty lame until after I revise them. You cant look like a big wimp to your special lady. heres a few examples:

1st Draft:

2nd Draft:

1st draft:

2nd draft:

And then sometimes you have to redo your messages so she wont get mad. Thats the best. heres some examples:

1st draft:

2nd draft:

Other Crazy Ebay Auctions

HA HA Click on the picture to get to the auction

Leftover sausage that looks like fingers:

And then some people try and do the stupid empty can thing and nothing happens:

Selling a dollar?  Again stupid but even more stupid are the people bidding:

WTF! Empty Cheetos bag going for almost $100.00

What the hell? Crazy E-bay Auctions

Anyone ever bid on one of these mystery auctions?  This guy does it about 2x a month and I just dont fucking get it.  This empty Dr. Pepper can is now being bid at $535.00 .  He must be selling dope with it cause this is ridiculous even for America.  Go ahead check the link:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=350069317015#ebayphotohosting

I JUST DON’T GET IT!

PLAYA STYLE

#22 The Greatest of All Time Will Clark

A 1990 poll of 65 major league players ranked Will Clark as the best clutch performer in baseball.

An All-American at Mississippi State, Clark played a starring role for the 1984 U.S. Olympic team which yielded such future major leaguers as Barry Larkin and Mark McGwire. During the five-game Olympic tournament, Clark batted .429 with three home runs and eight RBIs. The following year he won the Golden Spikes Award, given annually to the country’s top collegiate player.

Selected with the second-overall pick of the June 1985 draft by San Francisco.  Just two days after signing with the Giants, Clark homered on his first swing in the minor leagues. Less than ten months later, after just 65 games at Single-A Fresno, Will “The Thrill” opened the season as the Giants’ regular first baseman. Clark connected for a round-tripper against future Hall-of-Famer Nolan Ryan in his first major-league at-bat on April 8th, and finished his rookie year with a .287 batting average and eleven home runs despite missing 47 games with an elbow injury resulting from a base-running collision in mid-season.

Over the next six seasons Clark would establish himself as the premier first baseman in the National League. In his first full season, his smooth left-handed swing produced a .308 batting average and a career high 35 home runs as the Giants captured the NL West crown. Inexplicably, the slow-footed Clark attempted 22 steals that year, and was successful just five times. Though overlooked for All-Star status that season, Clark was voted the starting first baseman for the NL All-Star team every season from 1988 through 1992. His finest hour came in 1989, when he batted .333 (narrowly losing the batting title to Tony Gwynn on the final day of the season) with 111 RBIs, finishing second in the NL MVP voting to teammate Kevin Mitchell.

In the decisive Game Five, Clark faced hard-throwing Cubs reliever Mitch Williams with the bases loaded and the score tied in the bottom of the eighth. Clark smoked Williams’ first delivery back through the box to break the tie and propel the Giants into the World Series. But in a Fall Classic remembered more for the devastating earthquake which struck just hours before the scheduled start of Game Three, the Giants were unceremoniously swept by their cross-bay rival Oakland Athletics.

Clark had become quite a durable player since his rookie year injury, setting a San Francisco record with 320 consecutive games played from September of 1987 through August of 1989. However, a string of injuries cut into his playing time in the early ’90s and diminished his production. Clark drove in just 73 runs in 1992 and 1993, the lowest total since his rookie year.

Clark’s contract ran out after the 1993 season, and although the popular star had become a fixture in San Francisco baseball, the Giants were unwilling to offer a long-term contract to a player saddled with recent injury problems and coming off two straight mediocre seasons.

After that, who the F really cares.

ROSSI TIME!!!!!!

Carlo Rossi Top of The Line

B-Legit)
What’s up fool, I got like 3 buck on the Rossi
Let’s go get perved
(E-40)
You don’t wanna get perved, nigga
You don’t wanna fuck wit this Rossi shit
(…)
Man, don’t forget the ice man
(E-40)
Oh, you want something to
O.K.

(Chorus)
Top of the line wine, Carlos Rossi
Drinkin’ on some of of that top of the line wine, Carlos Rossi

(E-40)
Top of the line wine Carlos Rossi(RINE),I drinks it all the time it’s extra satisfying
Three of four times a day you can catch me drivin
Back and forth to the liquor store buyin
Jugs and jugs of tha shit cause I’m addicted wit no denying
Perving, swervin (RUNNIN)all into the fuckin curb and
If I get one more D.U.I. then it’s curtains
I can’t (CALL IT)) I guess I’m a alcoholic sometimes I hit the chronic
It’s just like gin and tonic when it’s time to get erotic
5.99 for a big ass bottle of Rossi wine it’s right on time
Once you become a member of my drinkin’ club you will find
The key to set ya free so give it a try
But don’t mistake it for Chablis unless you already high
Spread the word get sprung and drink it with ya down (CHROMIES)
That’s another word for (SIDEHIGH), potna, folks, homies(HELL MOTHERFUCKIN YEA).We(DOIN)this shit every other fuckin’ day if not every day
But anyway I want

Chorus

(B-Legit)
Hocus motherfuckin’ Pocus
The top of the line wine, yeah nigga that’s the dopest
And if you in The Click, them motherfuckers notice
that we be downin jugs from the tallest to the shortest
Everywhere I go, people wants to know
What’s the name of that shit you and the Click be like fuckin’ wit
I keeps it on a hunch on the … cause brother I be perved
Fuckin’ wit some shit that will send you to the curb
And if you wit a bitch, then nigga you nice
Cause Rossi goes good wit some dank over ice
Take her to the telly let the wine fill her belly
Fired up some smelly then ya jammin’ like jelly
Bust a couple of nuts, hit the butt and than the grill
Dick hard like I did time up in Vacaville
But still I be bossy
(E-40)
What you fuckin’ wit though?
(B-Legit)
Fuck wit some of that top of the line wine
(E-40)
Yeah nigga
(B-Legit)
Carlos Rossi

Chorus

(E-40)
Sunny day, sky blue, shit, I think Imma barbecue
Let me get my ass up outta bed and call up the whole motherfuckin’ crew
Ray you bring the chicken, Kaveo you bring the links
Mugzy you bring the hamburger meat and I’ll supply the drinks
Shit it’s (FISTA BE ON) damn it
I got Suga-T in the house whippin’ up some potatoe salad
4 slabs of ribs up in the refrigerator marinatin’
Bring (ON THE VIDS) I got tha (MUNNCIES) and I can’t be waitin’
Well, what do you know, though the door comes Kaveo
(Kaveo)
You know!
(E-40)
Mugzy and Tap that ass, T-Pup and Hell and Moe
Thick ass niggas like B-Legit and E-Duece (ARLONZO)
…. Mac Shawn, Mac D-Shot and Little Bruce
The man behind the counter (at)the liqourstore loves me(HELLO MY FRIEND)
Be (DANG NEAR) ready to hug me
On the strength that I done spend
Over a G within a week on the Carlos Rossi